“I don’t know why I’m here—my wife made this appointment.”

In all my years of counseling men, I have heard that line exactly one time, and that surprises people who ask me about seeing men in my practice, and at Westside.

A lot of men and women will read the title of this article and assume they already know where it’s headed. The emotionally unavailable husband. The stubborn man dragged unwillingly into therapy. The guy who refuses to talk. While these patterns certainly exist, it’s not the whole story.

In my work across residential treatment, ministry, and private practice, I have had the privilege of sitting with men from many different walks of life. Married men. Single men. Adolescent boys. Men approaching ninety years old. Men from different cultures, races, backgrounds, and faith experiences. While every story is different, many share one thing in common: the courage to ask for help and engage in a process they may not fully understand, with a person they do not know.

Yes, courage!

Men are still statistically less likely than women to seek counseling. But something does appear to be changing, especially among younger generations. Many younger men are more open to emotional health, self-awareness, relationships, and personal growth than the generations before them. My own experience with adolescent boys and younger men reflects this. Some of the men most willing to engage honestly in counseling are also some of the most reflective and growth-oriented clients I have worked with.

Many men are beginning to recognize counseling does not make you weak. At its best, counseling helps men become calmer under pressure, steadier emotionally, clearer in communication, more connected relationally, and more capable of handling stress without either exploding or shutting down.

For generations, men received strong messages about what strength was supposed to look like: Handle it yourself. Stay tough. Don’t complain. Don’t let emotions control you.

Just this past weekend, as we celebrated my son’s graduation, my dad talked to me about Grandad’s inability to express emotion, talk about hard things, even tell my dad that he loved him. My grandad passed from lung cancer in 1989, and my dad shared about his last trip home before Grandad passed. Grandad didn’t have a lot to say and when Dad tried to hug him on his way out, Grandad stiffened. My nan caught Dad downstairs as he was walking out the front door to get in the car. Dad was a mess. Nan told Dad to “put on a good face and give Dad a wave.” So, Dad did just that. Dad knew this was the last time he’d see his dad alive, but he looked up at

Grandad, who was watching from the window upstairs. Dad put on a smile and waved at Grandad as if nothing was wrong. That was the last time Dad saw his dad alive, and he forever swore he would engage with my brother and me and always make sure we knew how much he loved us.

I think this story says a lot about how Baby Boomers were raised by the Greatest Generation. Don’t get me wrong. There is value in resilience, courage, discipline, responsibility, and leadership. The problem is not masculinity itself. The problem is how masculinity has been defined through the generations.

How Did We Get Here?

Many of our fathers and grandfathers simply were not taught how to regulate emotions, stay connected during conflict, tolerate vulnerability, or communicate openly under stress. In many cases, survival mattered more than emotional connection.

Consider this: during World War II, nearly 17% of American men were serving in the U.S. military at the same time. Military service was woven into nearly every family and community in the country. Today, fewer than 1% of American men serve on active duty. Over the past eighty years, America has shifted from a culture shaped by mass military mobilization to one that relies on a comparatively small, highly specialized volunteer force.

Economic realities were different too. During the Great Depression, poverty rates approached 40–45%, meaning many families lived close to survival mode. Today, roughly 88–90% of American households live above the federal poverty threshold. Financial pressure certainly still exists, but modern family life often requires something different from men than previous generations demanded.

re is also growing evidence that boys in earlier generations experienced far more normalized physical punishment and emotionally harsh parenting practices than boys today. Severe physical abuse has declined significantly in recent decades, while awareness of emotional abuse and trauma has increased.

These factors matter because they shape what men believe is expected of them.

Researcher James Mahalik notes that “help seeking is one of the many behaviors influenced by gender socialization.” In other words, many men are not resisting counseling because they are lazy, careless, or unwilling to grow. Men were simply trained to believe emotional control, independence, and self-reliance were necessary for survival and strength. Modern relationships require more than provision and toughness alone.

Today, many wives want emotional engagement, not just responsibility. Children need fathers who are emotionally present, not simply physically present. Men are increasingly recognizing that the way they handle stress affects their marriages, parenting, friendships, work, faith, and mental health, not to mention the benefits of working with a counselor to learn skills for managing modern pressures.

Why Many Men Still Delay Counseling

“I should be able to handle this myself.” I have heard this often from so many of the men I see in both my practice, and at Westside. Many men discount or delay counseling because they worry counseling will make them feel judged, undermine their independence, require them to become someone they are not, or that they will be subjected to endless emotional venting or weakness.

Good counseling is often practical, collaborative, challenging, and growth-oriented.

Some men simply have never seen healthy emotional processing modeled consistently. A man who becomes intensely defensive may have learned from childhood that mistakes were unsafe. A man who emotionally withdraws may have grown up believing vulnerability led to criticism or humiliation. Another may have learned his value came primarily through performance, achievement, usefulness, or staying in control.

Those experiences do not simply disappear in adulthood. They often show up later as irritability, emotional shutdown, workaholism, conflict avoidance, burnout, anxiety, loneliness, or recurring relationship conflict.

Many men are not avoiding connection. They simply may never have learned how to stay emotionally steady and relationally connected under pressure.

Research consistently shows that men who engage in counseling frequently report improvements in emotional health, relationships, stress management, and overall functioning.

What Counseling for Men Actually Looks Like

One of the biggest misconceptions about counseling is that it asks men to become passive, dependent, or overly emotional. Healthy counseling tends to produce the opposite.

Many modalities such as Internal Family Systems (IFS), CBT, EMDR, Solution-Focused Therapy, and Motivational Interviewing include simple structure with clear goal setting, obstacle navigation, and progress tracking as key phases. Even classic modalities like Bowen’s Intergenerational Approach include interventions that help men understand process and the benefits of tolerating discomfort for the purpose of growth (termed “differentiation”) while staying connected to their partner.

At its best, counseling helps men learn how to stay calm during conflict, communicate clearly under stress, tolerate discomfort without shutting down, express frustration without becoming harsh, and remain connected without losing themselves emotionally.

This is not weakness.

Healthy counseling helps men become more grounded, more intentional, more resilient, more self-aware, and more capable of carrying responsibility well.

David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage, described maturity as learning to “stand on your own two feet.” In many ways, that is exactly what good counseling helps men do.

The reality I see in my office is that many men are carrying pressure privately. Men feel daily pressure to provide, perform, lead, stay composed, and not fail.

Without healthy ways to process those pressures, men often show up as irritable, emotionally withdrawn, anxious, burned out, lonely, and prone to conflict. When men struggle in these ways, their ability to role model appropriate coping skills is adversely impacted. These issues, in addition to the ways modern life has changed for boys, point to the important role men have in raising emotionally and spiritually healthy young men.

Jonathan Haidt, in The Anxious Generation, argues many children have shifted from a “play-based childhood” to a “phone-based childhood.” Boys today often spend less time building confidence through challenge, responsibility, face-to-face interaction, and real-world problem solving.

That does not mean young men are weak. But many are entering adulthood with less practice tolerating discomfort relationally and emotionally. Haidt talks about reasons for this in his earlier book, The Coddling of the American Mind. This is one reason fathers, mentors, coaches, churches, and healthy male relationships matter so much. Boys need challenge, encouragement, responsibility, guidance, and connection. Much of masculinity is developed through participation, not lectures.

Engaging with books like The Coddling of the American Mind and The Anxious Generation, both by Jonathan Haidt, or even John Eldredge books like Wild at Heart or Killing Lions, can help with understanding limitations many teen boys today, our future men, are fighting against.

Faith, Strength, and Self-Control

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” — James 1:19–20 (ESV)

Biblical strength was never emotional numbness. It was integrity, courage, humility, wisdom, and dependence on God. Even King David—lowly shepherd turned warrior, leader, and king—spoke openly throughout Psalms about fear, grief, loneliness, frustration, and dependence on God.

Jesus was our ultimate example of humility, self-control, and sacrificial love. He taught that we are to first love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:30–31, ESV).

The word “love” in Scripture carries different meanings. Philia refers to brotherly love rooted in friendship and shared connection. Storge describes the natural affection found between parents and children. Eros refers to romantic love. But the kind of love most needed in long-term relationships is agape love.

Agape love is not primarily a feeling. It is a choice to move toward another person with care, sacrifice, patience, and commitment even when it is difficult. Jesus demonstrated agape love through His willingness to suffer and lay down His life for others. Likewise, the Apostle Paul tells husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV).

Unfortunately, many discussions about marriage have focused more on what Paul says to wives about submission than what he says to husbands about love. “As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” is no small responsibility. It requires humility, sacrifice, patience, and self-control.

If men demand submission while meeting their partners with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, they are not loving their wives as Christ loved the church and should welcome correction from pastors and fellow believers. I have worked with many men who initially come to counseling hoping to see change in their wives, only to discover their true path to peace in marriage will only be found when they choose to change themselves.

To love your wife as Christ loved the church requires the ability to slow down, regulate yourself under stress, listen well, consider your words carefully, and remain emotionally present even during conflict. It means learning how to stay connected when things are hard instead of withdrawing, attacking, or shutting down.

That kind of self-control is not weakness. It is one of the clearest pictures of strength Scripture gives us.

Taking the First Step

For many men, the hardest part of counseling is not the counseling itself. It is admitting something is not working and cannot be fixed without asking for help. It takes courage for a man to admit things like:

“I’m tired of repeating this pattern.”
“I don’t want to keep reacting this way.” “I want better relationships.”
“I want more peace in my life.”

You do not need perfect words before beginning counseling. You do not need to wait until your marriage is collapsing or your stress becomes unbearable. In fact, research suggests that if you wait until your spouse holds you in contempt, the relationship may already be in danger. Wisdom and emotional intelligence dictate that signs of ongoing discord may be signs it’s time to get help.

Often the first step is simply being honest with yourself about the stress you are feeling, the reactions you are prone to, the hurt you are carrying (even silently), and your desire to do something different.

Counseling does not mean turning in your man card. It is about becoming more grounded, more resilient, more relationally mature, and more capable of handling life well.

In our homes, we don’t wait for the roof to blow off before replacing it. For our cars, we don’t wait for the wheels and tires to fall off before replacing brakes and rotors. We maintain things we care about. Yet we often fail to maintain relationships with the people we supposedly love most.

As men in the 21st century, we have a choice about how we approach the war in our minds. We can give in to reactivity and wind up disconnected from those we love, or we can take the first step in finding someone who can come alongside us, listen without judgment, and challenge the way we think about ourselves and others.

Proverbs 15:22 (ESV) says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” Men were never meant to carry their burdens alone.

Ready to take the first step?‍

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References & Resources

Peer-Reviewed Research

Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.58.1.5
Pederson, E. L., & Vogel, D. L. (2007). Male gender role conflict and willingness to seek counseling. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 54(4), 373–

384. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.54.4.373

Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106–118. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.09.002
Vogel, D. L., Heimerdinger-Edwards, S. R., Hammer, J. H., & Hubbard, A.

(2011). “Boys don’t cry”: Examination of the links between endorsement of masculine norms, self-stigma, and help-seeking attitudes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 58(3), 368–382. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023688

Historical & Social Data

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). About child abuse and neglect. https://www.cdc.gov/child-abuse-neglect/about/index.html
Finkelhor, D., & Jones, L. (2006). Why have child maltreatment and child victimization declined? Crimes Against Children Research Center. https://www.unh.edu/ccrc/trends-child-victimization

USAFacts. (2026). How many people are in the U.S.

military? https://usafacts.org/articles/how-many-people-are-in-the-us-military-a-demographic-overview/

U.S. Census Bureau. (2025). Historical poverty tables: People and

families. https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/income-poverty/historical-poverty-people.html

Books & Resources

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality — Peter Scazzero
Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson
Killing Lions — John Eldredge & Sam Eldredge
Passionate Marriage — David Schnarch
The Anxious Generation — Jonathan Haidt
The Coddling of the American Mind — Jonathan Haidt & Greg Lukianoff
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman & Nan Silver
Wild at Heart — John Eldredge

Scripture References

Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
James 1:19–20 (ESV)
Mark 12:30–31 (ESV)
Proverbs 15:22 (ESV)
Proverbs 16:32 (ESV)
Psalms (ESV)