Coping with Divorce
Divorce can be devastating, traumatic, and blindsiding. When you said “I do” you may have said it with a happily-ever-after ending in mind, and now your happily-ever ending has turned into disappointment, with a feeling like the rug has been pulled from under you.
Divorce is hard! It affects you emotionally, financially, and spiritually. When everything feels like it is crumbling, how do you find a reason to fight for healing? Or find a way to endure?
God’s word says “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life” (Psalms 119:50). You can find comfort in God’s word while developing other strategies for coping.
Here are some ways to be encouraged as you cope through divorce:
Seek Support from a Trusted Network
About 4 years ago, my own divorce after a 30-year marriage was staring me right in the face. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and alone. A part of me wanted to be comforted by others, and a part of me wanted to sit in by myself, not having to bear the humiliation of what happened, due to believing I had a divorce-proof marriage, and now here I am walking in this dark place of despair. Seek help through a support system of family, friends, or professional counseling. It will be tempting to do this alone and isolate yourself. However, I came to trust that in a multitude of counselors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14 NIV). I found respite and care in leaning into a support system I trusted.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
I spent days reflecting and wondering what went wrong as I faced my divorce. I went from denial, to anger, to acceptance and I allowed myself to feel all my emotions. Grieve the loss of your marriage. Reflect on what was, what is, and what will be. It can be hard to have made life plans including another person, and now plans go from an “we” to “me.” Allow yourself to grieve the good, and the not so good things of your marriage.
Schedule Self-Care
Divorce was traumatic and dysregulating to my body, mind, soul, and spirit. I had days that I felt like I was on a rollercoaster due to the range of emotions I felt. Your nervous system will be vulnerable, so it is important to take care of yourself by eating healthy, exercising, praying, meditating and keeping any additional stress to a minimum.
Practice Self-Compassion
When I went through my divorce, I had days that felt like they were frozen in time that left me thinking about how long it would take to heal and recover from this devastation. It may be hard to see the end but know and be encouraged that you will be okay with time. Practice self-compassion and slow down enough to not move to fast through the processing of this new reality. Some answers may never come
so resist the urge to blame yourself and speak negatively about yourself. You are enough, you were, and always will be.
Set Boundaries for Conversations
Family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and others will sometimes ask you questions because they genuinely care about you. Some questions will feel intrusive or uncomfortable, and others will feel gentle and caring. Either way give yourself permission to answer any questions about your divorce in a way that feels best for you. It its okay to be transparent, or to be private. Its okay to say today is a good day, or today is a hard day. Release yourself from performing in a way you feel others want you to, and only answer to how authentically you feel. Thanking others for their concern, while saying I’m not ready to discuss this yet is appropriate. And being ready to talk about it when you feel ready is also appropriate. God’s word remind us that, “All you need to say is simply “yes” or “no”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37 NIV).
Embrace the “Both/And” Mindset
I learned to practice the “both/and.” This mindset gives you permission to acknowledge all that you are feeling. I felt both sadness about my marriage ending and hope for the future. God’s word encouraged me! “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5 NIV)
While divorce is one of the hardest life moments, you will learn many things about yourself. You will come to ride the waves of resilience, strength, and peace. You teach yourself self-acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion. You then realize your story does not end at your divorce. The last chapter was written, that book is now closed, and what awaits you now is a new beginning. I was encouraged by God’s word “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. And my new life began” (Jeremiah 31:3).
