Help Your Child Move From Crisis to Calm: 6 Co-Regulation Techniques
Are you struggling with a child who has emotional meltdowns?
This guide is designed for parents, teachers, and caregivers who want to help children manage big emotions effectively. Using evidence-based approaches from Dr. Dan Siegel's work on brain development, these techniques will help you transform emotional outbursts into opportunities for connection and growth.
Understanding Child Brain Development and Emotions
Recent brain research shows that the prefrontal cortex—the part of our brain responsible for calm, rational, and logical thinking—doesn't fully develop until around 25-30 years of age. This biological reality explains why children often struggle to manage their emotions, particularly when they're upset.
Children experience emotions intensely but lack the neurological equipment to regulate them independently. This is why co-regulation—having a calm adult help guide them through emotional storms—is essential for healthy emotional development and teaches skills they'll use throughout life.
6 Proven Steps to Help Children Co-Regulate
Connect and Redirect: Creating Emotional Safety
Start by fostering a sense of safety when your child is emotionally dysregulated.
How to do it:
Use a soft voice and gentle tone
Maintain kind eye contact at their level
Offer gentle physical touch if appropriate
Stay calm—your regulated state helps their brain regulate
Example: When 5-year-old Alex throws his toy in frustration, kneel down, make gentle eye contact and say softly, "I'm right here with you. Let's work through this together."
Name It to Tame It: Labeling Emotions
Help your child identify their emotions by linking their feelings to words.
How to do it:
Offer possible emotion words: "It seems like you might be feeling frustrated"
Validate the emotion: "It's okay to feel disappointed"
Separate emotions from behaviors: "It's okay to feel angry, but we can't throw things"
Example: "You're slamming your book closed and your face looks tight. I wonder if you're feeling frustrated with your homework? It's okay to feel that way."
Move It or Lose It: Physical Release for Emotional Energy
Emotional distress builds up energy in the body that needs release.
How to do it:
For younger children: "Let's wiggle this out"
For older children: "Can you do five jumping jacks with me?"
Try deep breathing: "Let's take three big dragon breaths together"
For teens: Suggest a brief walk or stretching
Example: When your child is visibly agitated before dinner, say "Your body looks like it has some extra energy. Let's do 10 jumps together before we sit down."
Engage, Don't Enrage: Activating the Thinking Brain
After establishing connection and helping release energy, guide your child to their thinking brain.
How to do it:
Ask open-ended questions: "How do you think we should fix this?"
Offer simple choices: "Would you like to take a break or try a different approach?"
Collaborate on solutions: "What should we do next to make this better?"
Wait until they're calm enough—timing matters
Example: After your child has calmed down about a broken toy, ask "What ideas do you have for fixing this? Should we try tape or glue, or something else?"
Give Choices: Empowering Problem-Solving
Offer options for repairing situations or correcting behavior.
How to do it:
Present 2-3 reasonable options
Include their suggestions when possible
Make all choices acceptable to you
Allow natural consequences when appropriate
Example: "You knocked over your sister's block tower. You can help her rebuild it, or you can offer her your special blocks to use. Which would you like to do?"
Re-do and Celebrate: Practicing Better Behaviors
Give your child opportunities to practice the desired behavior.
How to do it:
Suggest a redo: "Let's practice asking your sister if you can play with her toy"
Use role-play: "Show me how you could ask next time"
Celebrate success: "You used your words instead of grabbing. That was really respectful!"
Keep it positive and brief
Example: "Let's try that moment again. Instead of grabbing the controller, you could say, 'Can I have a turn when you're done?' Let's practice that."
Age-Specific Adaptations
For Toddlers (1-3 years):
Simplify emotion words: "mad," "sad," "scared"
Use more physical co-regulation: holding, rocking
Expect shorter attention spans for problem-solving
For School-Age Children (6-12):
Introduce more nuanced emotion vocabulary
Incorporate writing or drawing feelings
Involve them more in generating solutions
For Teens (13+):
Respect increased need for autonomy
Allow more space when needed
Connect through side-by-side activities rather than face-to-face
Common Questions About Co-Regulation
Q: Won't this approach spoil my child or reward bad behavior? A: Co-regulation is not about removing consequences, but helping children learn to manage emotions so they can make better choices. Children who feel understood and supported actually develop self-discipline faster.
Q: What if I'm too angry myself to co-regulate? A: It's okay to take a brief break to calm yourself first. Say, "I need a moment to calm down so I can listen better" and return when you're ready.
Q: How long should these techniques take to work? A: You may see immediate improvement in a specific situation, but building emotional regulation skills is a long-term process that develops throughout childhood and adolescence.
Need More Support?
Download our printable pocket guide to keep these techniques handy during challenging moments.
For personalized guidance, our family counselors specialize in emotional regulation for children of all ages.
Based on the brain development research and clinical approaches of Dr. Dan Siegel, author of "The Whole-Brain Child" and neuropsychiatrist at the UCLA School of Medicine.
