Mindset Shift: Steps to feel, connect, and thrive.
Emotions are an essential part of who we are. They serve as an internal guidance system, providing valuable information about our environment – including the people we are with.
The emotional information processed by the right hemisphere of our brain is rapidly sent to our nervous system at a faster rate than we can understand and process by the left hemisphere of our brain which is focused on conscious thought and speech. This means that our emotional perception continuously provides us with information about our safety and connections with others, even before we can form the words to help us understand what triggered our emotional response.
God’s design of our brain and body working together is an incredible gift. Emotional information can help guide our decisions and our actions, sometimes before we have time to rationally assess a situation.
Learning to listen to our emotions, instead of suppressing them as a part of the way we perceive our world, can help us integrate information about our surroundings. Learning to be self-aware of our thoughts and our feelings can help us make wise, grounded decisions.
For example, if you see a snake on a path your emotional brain reacts immediately. Your emotion might be curiosity—leading you to investigate safety, leading to questions about type of snake and whether it is venomous. Or it might be fear, activating a fight, flight, or freeze response. In either case, the emotion serves a purpose: it prepares you to respond effectively to a perceived (or real) threat.
In a culture that often prioritizes analytical thinking over emotional awareness, we may learn to minimize or dismiss our feelings. Over time, this disconnect can leave us less attuned to ourselves and others. When our primary focus is on what we think, we might learn to dismiss what we feel. This weakens our ability to build and maintain healthy, secure relationships since those relationships rely on emotional connection.
When we emotionally suppress we may appear “in control” outwardly, but internally, unprocessed feelings can manifest as anxiety, depression, or relational disconnection. Our body continues to receive and respond to the information that we are taking in, but we are denying or minimizing our emotional response. This may lead us to also minimize the emotions that others are expressing.
Moving towards emotional health, one of the conditions that leads to human flourishing, includes becoming emotionally aware and intelligent which can decrease our internal distress. Learning to be emotionally attuned and engaged is foundational for secure attachment.
As Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. identified in his book, The Developing Mind, each of us develops a “Window of Tolerance” that shapes how we respond to our experiences. We begin learning about emotional expression within our primary attachment relationships, our family, caregivers, and friends, in childhood and adolescents. The way that emotions are expressed and responded to in those relationships begins to shape our Window of Tolerance. We tend to tolerate emotions that were modeled, welcomed, and regulated well within childhood. Emotions inside our Window of Tolerance can be shared and received without disrupting our sense of safety.
Emotions that we were discouraged from expressing, or that were not responded to compassionately when we expressed them, caused those emotions to feel less tolerable to us. These experiences narrow our Window of Tolerance. We are outside our Window of Tolerance when we are feeling or trying to express an emotion that we are uncomfortable with, or when someone else is expressing an emotion that we are uncomfortable with. Emotions that were ignored, dismissed, or punished early in life can feel overwhelming or threatening in adulthood.
When we experience relationships where our emotions are welcomed and responded to with care, we begin to rewrite painful narratives from the past. We start to see ourselves—and others—through a new, healing lens. These safe, attuned experiences provide us a place to begin to express our emotions in a healthy way and opens the door to deeper trust, transforming not just our relationships, but our sense of self.
In the Psalms, David beautifully demonstrates the healing power of sharing our emotions in a connected relationship.
David trusts God with every part of his being. The strength of his relationship with God provides him the opportunity to share his heart in an emotionally honest, vulnerable way. God is an active listener in these times of prayer and praise. As David processes his emotions verbally with God, his nervous system calms and his thoughts come into focus.
In counseling, we recognize that this is a processing experience that allows for identification and expression of stored emotions – we name it to tame it - which can lead to a calmer nervous system – slower breathing, reduced heart rate, relaxed muscles, and felt safety. There is an overall improvement in emotional and physical well-being.
Let’s take a look at David’s model:
In Psalm 143, David expresses his angst to God. He is struggling with feelings of hopelessness, confusion, and fear. David identifies his emotions, and asks God to see his pain and hear his heart.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
David then moves towards expressing memories of God’s presence in his life and shares his desire for connection with God.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
David requests the feeling of being in God’s presence, hearing his response, feeling his protection, and receiving guidance. Curt Thompson, M.D. captures David’s desire to have God’s face turned toward him when he says, “We are all born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and that we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.” David’s desire is to find this in his relationship with God.
Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to you for refuge.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!
He then confidently leans into his relationship with God because it is based on trust and informs David’s identity. David knows who God is and trusts that God knows and accepts him. This is a reflection of secure attachment with God.
For your name’s sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.
David’s identity is shaped in this interaction as he expresses, “I am your servant.” David is engaged in a form of spiritual co-regulation – bringing his thoughts and feelings into his relationship with God trusting that he will be heard and known. This is the same type of emotional processing that we can do in counseling and other safe relationships.
Like David, we can learn to express and process our emotions in healthy ways. This expands our Window of Tolerance, allowing us to fully embrace who God created us to be—people capable of a wide range of healthy emotional expression.
This allows us to love God with “all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37), bringing every part of who we are into our relationship with him.
We do not have to remain limited in recognizing our emotions. Our neuroplastic brain is capable of change through new, repeated relational experiences, allowing us to grow our emotional tolerance and deepen our relational awareness as we move towards greater emotional and relational health.
When we grow in understanding the value of our emotions, learn to express them in healthy ways, and increase our empathy and compassion towards others, we become equipped to engage in healthy relationships and community. Secure connection with God and others allows us to thrive.
Our brains are equipped to process and learn. Begin practicing ways to increase tolerance and accept emotions with the following steps.
While it’s not always easy, it is worth the effort.
Steps Towards Growing Emotional
Awareness and Expression
Identify Emotions that You Feel Comfortable with and Emotions that Cause Discomfort for You
Use an emotion list or the Feelings Wheel to help you in this. These tools can also help you expand your emotional vocabulary so you can more accurately name and understand what you’re feeling—an essential first step toward regulation and connection.
For example, you might feel fearful but if you process further, you might notice that you are feeling anxious, nervous, or insecure.
Track Your Emotions Daily
You can journal, use an emotion tracking app (like How we Feel or State of Mind in the Apple Health app), create a note, or even use a sticky note. Whatever allows you to make note of how you are feeling. You can also use the list or Feelings Wheel from the first step.
Daily check-ins help you identify emotions in real-time and connect them to your experiences. Some apps even allow you to share these insights with a trusted person for added connection.
Journal Your Emotions
Writing creates space for you to freely express your emotions for deeper emotional awareness and processing. Journaling helps connect current emotions to current circumstances, past experiences or future hopes and dreams. This promotes emotional clarity and nervous system regulation.
Pray Through Your Emotions – Daily or Weekly
Follow the model of praying like David to bring your full emotional experience to God. God wants to hear from you because he desires a secure, authentic connection with you—not perfection, but presence. Regardless of the emotion you are feeling, God wants to hear your heart and be with you in all things.
Increase Your Comfort with Emotional Expression by Practicing with a Trusted Friend
Share your emotions with someone who can receive them with empathy. Practice attuning to each other. Because of neuroplasticity, these experiences begin to build the new neural pathways that promote secure attachment. We are created for this type of attachment – with God and others.
Learn and Practice Active Listening
Listening well to others’ emotions increases your capacity for empathy and co-regulation. It expands your window of tolerance and fosters deeper relational trust. Invite someone to share what they are experiencing and feeling so that you have a chance to practice active listening. Practice at work, in an A2 Group at church, with friends and with family. Active listening enhances the quality of all of your relationships.
