Handling Lonliness
How to Move From Isolation to Connection
If you feel lonely, you’re not alone.
One in three adults reports feeling lonely on a weekly basis. That puts loneliness on the level of a mental health epidemic. Of those of us who experience loneliness, as many as 50% use distraction as a means of easing the discomfort of loneliness.
The statistics show that loneliness is common—it's "normal." But that doesn’t make loneliness a good thing. Loneliness is uncomfortable. And if you are a “1 in 3,” you know what I’m talking about.
Biblically, loneliness was never part of God’s plan for us. God has always existed in relational holiness: the trinity. He chose to create relational humans in His image.
Genesis 2:18 says that it is not good for us to be alone.
If the opposite of loneliness is connection, how do we get from struggling with loneliness to feeling connected?
Real connection with God and others, involves connection to the self. From Greek philosophers to modern theologians, “know thyself,” has been a trusted maxim. When we know who we are, we can engage in authentic relationships with God and others. But we must first know ourselves. Remember that statistic about using distraction to cope with loneliness? Connection with others involves connection to the self; and connecting to self starts with acknowledging loneliness, not distracting from it.
Statistics on loneliness retrieved from: https://www.psychiatry.org/newsroom/news-releases/new-apa-poll-one-in-three-americans-feels-lonely-e
Connecting to Self
Acknowledge
Though it can be uncomfortable, the first step to undoing loneliness is to acknowledge what we are feeling. Being radically honest about our experience of loneliness can help us identify how to counteract those feelings. This can also help minimize unhealthy responses that might come from a place of loneliness.
Explore and Identify
Once we acknowledge loneliness, the next step is to explore it. Get curious about it.
Explore questions like these:
What specifically am I lonely for? Someone to share thoughts with? Someone to have fun with?
What does this loneliness tell me about myself or my circumstances? Are those messages true?
Does this loneliness feel familiar? Am I feeling something from my past? Do I feel lonely when I’m alone? Do I feel lonely around certain people?
What triggers my loneliness? Do I feel it differently at different times of day?
When I feel lonely, what do I do?
Identify what fears, expectations, or thought patterns might be self-sabotaging me?
“Black-and-white” and “all-or-nothing” thinking are two common cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are thinking patterns that filter our reality and result in emotional discomfort.
Example: Filtered through a cognitive distortion, not getting invited to something – when others in your friend group were invited – might cause you to believe that no one likes you. A licensed counselor can help with these thought patterns.
Do I feel unworthy of love/friendship? Do I believe I have nothing to bring to relationships? Do I have fears about getting close to others? Do I trust others? Do I trust myself?
What are my expectations of the people around me? Have I voiced those expectations? When we feel lonely, we might hope for an ideal person to come and fill a void within us. No one person is capable of undoing all loneliness. It’s not a fair ask.
But many people might be great fits for various relational needs: the fun friend, the listener, the helper, the encourager, someone with a mutual interest, etc.
Having unrealistic or unvoiced expectations can sabotage us from connecting to the people that are already in proximity to us.
As we explore feelings of loneliness, we might be surprised at what we discover.
If you feel overwhelmed by the results of these questions, please consider contacting a professional counselor to help you make sense of these insights. Get Help
Connection to God
What does God’s word tell us about our loneliness?
The experience of loneliness is real, but, but God’s word tells us that we are never alone! No matter what we face, no matter what we go through, God is with us. Here are just a few verses that confirm this truth.
Isaiah 41:10 …I am with you… Isaiah 43:2, 5 …I will be with you…
Matthew 1:23 …they will call him Immanuel (“God with us”)… Matthew 28:20 …I am with you always…
Psalm 139:7 …Where can I go from your Spirit?...
These verses declare what is true. But in order for us to experience that truth, we have to go deeper. We don’t just need information; we need a “corrective experience.”
A corrective experience is one that repairs or counteracts a negative experience. By meditating on the truth of these Scriptures we can begin to cultivate a corrective experience as we allow God’s presence to meet us in our loneliness.
Connection to Others
As we have connected with feelings of loneliness and sought corrective experiences from God, we can now take action steps to connect to the people around us. Use the insight you have gained to connect to others in new ways.
Here are some dos and don’ts to get started:
DON’T
Make big choices from a place of loneliness (examples: don’t quit your job because you have not been able to relate to coworkers; don’t move because you think you’d find better relationships somewhere else.)
Increase isolation (examples: don’t say no to social invitations; don’t turn to scrolling or social media when lonely; don’t engage in comparison.).
Wait for invites to come to you. Don’t wait for people to initiate.
Put on blinders regarding the people who do reach out just because they don’t do it perfectly.
DO
Engage in self-compassion (example: speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend; treat yourself with the grace you would demonstrate to a friend who is lonely.)
Become curious about the people who are in proximity to you (examples: ask your coworkers about themselves, check in on your neighbors, call or Facetime family members).
Seek out people. Be the one to invite. Eventually, you will find those who reciprocate.
Be the friend you wish you had (example: do something kind for someone in your life; follow the “golden rule” by doing for the people around you what you would want done to you; see Luke 6:31).
Though some of these “dos and dont’s” will feel uncomfortable at first, they are a sure path toward increasing connection. Perhaps these steps will inspire your own ideas to undo loneliness. By connecting to self, God, and others, we will begin to notice changes in our emotional experiences. The journey might not be easy, but it is worth it to live life feeling connected to those around us.
